So recently I agreed to drive my roommate to Cleveland at 5 am during the week on a day that I had class. Now why I agreed to drive anyone anywhere at this hour on any day is a mystery to me, but to Cleveland doubly so. Not necessarily because I hate waking up early, or hate long drives, but I have a pretty bad case of The Road Rage.
My The Road Rage doesn’t effect how I drive, but it certainly changes the things that leave my mouth. Most of the time, I don’t even realize what I’m saying. Words and phrases escape my lips before my mind has a chance to chase them down and tackle them. During this trip, before which I got four hours of sleep, I said some things. Some of them I wish I could take back. For instance, I called a kindly looking lady a “slut”. I don’t know why. She didn’t even do anything stupid. I blame Cleveland as the destination almost as much as I blame the lack of sleep and my general tendency to let loose The Road Rage.
Anyways, the point of this post is that some lady that should’ve been sleeping in the back seat could not find sweet, sweet rest as a result of my two and a half hour tirade. This lady instead spent her time documenting the inner workings of my brain as they were released to the world.
Here they are.
(Note: any letter/number combination that doesn’t make sense is a license plate number. My favorite road game is to make terrible insults out of them.)
"40? 40?!?! I’m just going to break that law. I don’t even give a shit!"
“You know what you are? Dick Cunt Titty. His license plate said DCT. If I had been in my right mind, I would have said ‘Dumb Confederate Tart.’”
“This is the part of the road I really hate, there’s no lights…”
“Just close your eyes, use the force.” -Bryan
“There’s a pretty good chance that when we get into Cleveland, I’m going to slip entirely into a Pittsburgh accent as a defense mechanism.”
“Oh, I’m sorry sir that I’m only going 15 miles over the speed limit. But I’m following this truck because I can’t see shit. You hear that guys? We’re following this truck.”
“Oh great, I have to pay to be in Ohio!”
“Aw c’mon van. I’m going to call that number and tell you to go faster.”
“Freedom Road, everybody! We just passed it. Headed towards Slavery Lane.”
“Beaver Falls. Ah ha ha! Might as well call it Vagina Way! No beating around the bush!”
“False alarm! The driver on the left is still a big fat bitch… With fat tits.”
“Dick cunt titty.. Haha! It’s like the worst boob in the world. ‘That is one dick, cunt titty!’”
“Alright, alright. I’m not afraid of the weather anymore. See what I’m gonna do here, truck? I’m gonna pass you doing 80. And the next one, and the next one. The butterfly and the bee thing. The Muhammad Ali thing. Will Smith, anyone?”
“God damnit. Truck. Ass. Bitch. You’s a truck ass bitch.”
In response to a license plate HSL 0069 “This guy’s a huge shitty lemur. Or a huggable slow lorus.” -Bryan
“Huge Shitty Lips. I’m going to make a porno, “Huge Shitty Lips. 69.”
“Did I ever tell you about my favorite license plate ever? It was CRP-RN. And the first thing I could think of was Crap Ron. Crap Ron became a fixture in my life.”
“You know how to beat a speeding ticket in Ohio? You just cry. Cry and keep repeating “She died.” That’s what I heard anyway.”
“Hi. It’s Ben. I’ll be passing you today.”
“It’s nothing but me and the horizon. Oh, and you guys.”
“We’ve gone 70 miles. If not, then math doesn’t work.”
“You know what I always wanted to do? Walk in on a conversation between two european kids talking about how big their dicks are… In centimeters.”
“Oh, hello there, Slower Traffic. I’m gonna get over here, in the left lane, which is what the sign told me to do if I saw you, Slower Traffic.”
Brian reading a magazine about Canton, OH: Did you know that President McKinley’s whole family is buried here?
Ben: Fuck! We should let them out!
Brian: Fuck, who said that would be ok?
EPY-6945: empty penis yarn… Sorry, I can do better…. Evergreen penis….. Yikes. Evergreen penis, comma, yikes.
“Oh! Now you use your turn signal! You cunt! I’m going to go to your house on Christmas morning and piss on your kids!”
“Finally, a state that doesn’t have any laws, but they obey every single one.”
(Bryan skipped a song on my ipod) “Oh no you didn’t! That’s my favorite sad song. I’m going to be sad at you for the rest of this trip.”
DFH-something “That’s you new name, “Guy Imgonnapass.” You Dead Fuckin Hooker”
“Dimes don’t work in Ohio. They’re like Canadian money.” Bryan
PGS-6225 “I’m not enen going to go there. Ok, Penis Gay Sex. Ok, I went there.”
Ben: Hey, I might have you e-mail my professor later to tell her I’m stuck in ohio.
Bryan: She’ll be like “Hey, don’t even worry about it. Just worry about getting out.”
EWJ-something: “Hey, I’m not letting you in, I don’t trust you, you Ewok Woman Jacker. Look, she doesn’t even know if she wants in.”
“Why are you all going to Cleveland? You don’t work there. They don’t have jobs.”
BP69JR: Ben Prisbylla Junior! 69!
FBX-5083: Ben: Fat Booty Zebra!
Brian: apparently, “zebra” starts with an “x”
Ben: Shut up, this is my world.
Looking around Cleveland: “That is underwhelming.”
“Oh, Progressive Field! Let’s watch disappointments!”
“Carnegie Street? They have a Carnegie Street? We have a science center, libraries, a museum, a whole town… Nice street, though.”
“I’m going to turn here like a real person. Not a piece-a shit. Pizza shit. That sounds kinda good.”
“That says tow away zone. I don’t give a fuck, I’m stopping there. That bus can eat my ass. I’d rather it didn’t.”
I understand if you guys aren’t my friends anymore, or, in the event that I’m related to you, that you disown me.
Because who wouldn’t stop being my friend or family? Nazis, that’s who.